I cut my penus on the lid.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
