Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
