I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
