your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
