i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
