I am midnight drunk by noon
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Randomize
