i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
