lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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