if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
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