you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Randomize
