Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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