My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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