i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Blood and glitter go together right?
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Randomize
