The maid of honor just puked.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
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