i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Randomize
