3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
