dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
