I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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