My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
