im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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