Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
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