At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
