I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Pants are for mortals
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
