she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
I just googled if crying burns calories
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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