Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
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