Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
