I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
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