Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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