Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
is that a dick in a sweater?
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
