I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Randomize
