Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
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