i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
