my phone needs a breathalizer
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
