You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
The best revenge is premature balding
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
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