I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
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