Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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