so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
