I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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