if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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