I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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