How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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