So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
