Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
can a guy be partially circumsized? cause i dont exactly know what i was lookng at...
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
