he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
Holy sore nipples Batman
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
