I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize