My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
