I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
