im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
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