It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
