I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
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