Don't make out with my wife yet
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Randomize
