new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
Randomize
