if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize