i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
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