party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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