I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
